I'm a Guy Who Screwed Up and I Want My Ex Back
"Today's men think they can take a woman they don't care about for granted, purposefully waste her time, and use up her better years. Your ex saw this coming down the pike, drew a line in the sand and demanded more."
I'm seeking some guidance on a past relationship.
We dated for six months and it ended on New Year's this year. She split with me because she thought we were incompatible. I disagreed.
We otherwise had a good day-to-day relationship and got along really well. I admired her and she loved a lot of the things I did and we seemed to be good together. I met her mother who liked me too.
A few key points she mentioned when we broke up:
- Incompatibility. I didn't really get any specifics but it had nothing to do with major life decisions like kids and marriage which we both want eventually. We would sometimes argue (more towards the end) about stupid things but I never took those arguments personally. It was more that we didn't see eye-to-eye on something in particular but I didn't think it was a big deal. But to her, it seemingly really affected her.
- Sex. This was vaguely brought up. We had sex, but due to certain constraints we didn't have sex that often. But we were always kissing/touching/flirting. Ironically, as much as I enjoy sex, the infrequency of it never bothered me. I was enamored with her for who she was. Still wanted to have sex with her but because it wasn't always an option, it didn't bother me. Figured circumstances would change in the future.
- Non-commitment. This is one I admit complete fault to. I never brought up commitment. Not because I didn't want to but because everything was flowing so well and moving along I figured it would just happen so I never thought to "force" it by bringing it up (which is hindsight was stupid).
We started dating in the middle of Australia's lockdowns thus things were limited from the beginning. Restaurants were closed for ages. One final thing she mentioned was never going on a proper dinner date. Again, my f*ck up.
So my question is, nearly four months on, is there a chance to get back with this girl and if so, how should I even attempt it? The reason I ask is because despite my day-to-day life being good, and I'm generally not thinking about her, still hitting the gym and pursuing life goals, I'm still in love with this woman and I don't want to think what if?
Dear What If,
Forgive me if I'm a little harsh here in extrapolating precisely where things went awry, but there's a number of issues sticking out to me like a sore thumb that can't be glossed over and ignored.
First and foremost....
You don't seem to really like this woman very much at all. Here's what I mean:
"It was more that we didn't see eye-to-eye on something in particular but I didn't think it was a big deal–but to her, it seemingly really affected her."
Whatever the issue was you couldn't disclose to me, and "wasn't a big deal" to you, was obviously a very big deal to her. A dealbreaker, to be exact. Certain problems that surface in a relationship from a woman's standpoint of which she can't avoid discussing are in fact a very big deal. She tried earnestly to communicate her needs to you. And your unwillingness to acknowledge them represented some form of blatant disregard and invalidation on your part that she wasn't willing to overlook.
Again, I don't know what the issue was, but she tried to reason with you and you dismissed her feelings and concerns–and she saw that her needs weren't being met and would remain unmet.
"Ironically, as much as I enjoy sex, the infrequency of it never bothered me."
Forgive me, but it doesn't sound like you were very attracted to her. You maintain you very much enjoy sex. But it never bothered you that you two weren't having any?
That doesn't add up. Doesn't pass the sniff test. I know how men are and how they think and operate. When they're attracted to a woman, they try and get sex from her as often as humanly possible. The fact that you could take sex with her or leave it indicates to me you weren't physically attracted to her.
Which is also a large part of why you didn't really care about her and you haven't even been thinking about her (more on that below).
"I never brought up commitment. Not because I didn't want to but because everything was flowing so well and moving along I figured it would just happen so I never thought to "force" it by bringing it up (which is hindsight was stupid)."
You were with her for an entire six months and you never broached the subject of commitment. Six whole months. You were merely "dating" and you weren't exclusive in any sense. Very common tale as men these days don't like to talk commitment. Yet they very often feel keen to waste a woman's time hoping she'll never bring it up because then that would mean a man has to actually step up and commit or she's gone.
You took on the passive "if it ain't broke, don't try and fix it" approach hoping she wouldn't notice you avoiding commitment. She expressed to you in no uncertain terms that she wanted commitment and refuses to be your "whatevs girl without an official title" which is why she broke up with you.
And ladies and gentlemen, here's the real fly in the punch bowl:
Many of today's women are becoming wise in waking up to these schemes. They are becoming far less tolerant of being in any type of relationship with a man who refuses to commit. Indeed, women are beginning to understand that if a man isn't willing to commit, he doesn't truly love her and he doesn't care about her. And they realize they can easily go out and find another man who will love them and actually commit.
"The reason I ask is because despite my day-to-day life being good, and I'm generally not thinking about her..."
You've freely admitted you're not thinking about her. If you were in fact in love with her, you never would have stopped thinking about her. You never would have stopped trying to put in the effort to make it work. You would have tried, at the very least, to meet her somewhere in the middle and come to an agreement/compromise so that you wouldn't have to face down the prospect of losing her.
"One final thing she mentioned was never going on a proper dinner date. Again, my f*ck up."
And finally, you never took her out on a proper date. Men spend money on women they like. Period. It's never an issue and if it is, the man simply isn't into her. The fact that you never took her on a proper date clearly demonstrates how much you never cared about her.
Men readily pay for, commit to, and have animalistic sex with the woman they would never dream of losing. You were wholly uninterested in providing any of these to this woman–and she knew it and bounced accordingly.
As an aside, budding reactionary movements like "Female Dating Strategy" are exposing men's inclination to string women along for years without commitment. And they will continue to shed a very bright light on the dangers women are facing in staying with men who have no intention of committing.
Today's men think they can take a woman they don't care about for granted, purposefully waste her time, and use up her better years. Your ex saw this coming down the pike, drew a line in the sand and demanded more–because she's a smart woman and realizes she deserves much more than you're willing to give.
And after a "what if FOMO epiphany," men decide on a whim they want the woman back that they never cared about. After she's moved on with her life and is very likely settled, happy and over it, they suddenly realize they "missed out."
I can't be certain how many other girlfriends you've been juggling leading up to now and/or whether your options have run out and you're now intent on kicking up another dust storm in her wake to try and get her back.
I advise you to leave her alone and don't try to pursue it. Because more than likely, she's going to shoot you down. She's done. And she will tell you, "You had your chance. Now it's too late."
However, should you choose to go against my advice and pursue trying to rekindle this relationship, be prepared for the fallout.
There's that saying, "When a woman's fed up..." And when that happens, there's no going back.
I would advise you and all men in the future who may be reading this to take a very long and hard look at yourself and your willingness to waste a woman's time. Especially women you don't love and care about. Once the jig is up, you're never going to get that second chance. And frankly, you don't deserve one.
You crap all over a good woman and waste her better years, always bear in mind, she owes you absolutely nothing.
If you actually loved her, you wouldn't be asking "what if." You would have went out of your way as a man to make it happen.
Love and Many Blessings,
Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?
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