The Real Reason Why Coffee Dates Don't Work

I've been sounding the global emergency alert system the past couple of days on coffee (un)dates and why they are lame, boring and won't score you any points with the opposite sex.

Coffee "dates" are a cancer on the dating market for young people.

I remember when drinking coffee was sort of a stuffy thing that only old people did. It was always some over the hill, boring curmudgeon drinking coffee out of a styrofoam cup on a hot day in the middle of summer because that's all he drank.

He drank coffee because it kept him alive in Korea. It kept him awake on night watch so he wouldn't get blown up and dismembered.

Fast forward to today and coffee has become a dystopian fixture in society and especially in dating.

A coffee "date" (it's a not a date, it's the cheap loser's low effort shakedown he deploys on desperate women who are unladylike and have zero self-worth to procure 2 1/2 minute dead dong sex) is not only "the norm" but anyone who rails against it will readily go viral on the internet.

It's livid folks lined up from here to Timbuktu defending to their death the unsexy institution of coffee date apathy they hold dear to them as though it provides them with a sense of civic pride.

On last night's stream, I offered anyone $100 to come forward with proof of a coffee "date" ending in a long-term relationship or marriage.

You will not find anyone for whom a coffee "date" ended in a wedding. Or even a night of fantastic sex.

And in the off chance you will have sex on a coffee "date," the sex will be terrible too. It's always flaccid sex with some loser with dead wood who thinks coffee is viagra.

Now, let's dive into why coffee dork gatherings don't work and will never work:

Too Boring and Platonic to Stoke Attraction

I'm not sure how coffee drinking and two people who are supposed to be attracted to each other and fall in love ever came into play but a coffee "date" is as mind-numbingly dull as you can possibly get.

The corporate coffee office environment is sterile. The plain white cups, HR talk, completely unremarkable, asexual people behind the counter, and a stimulant that people basically need because they are numb to the world erring on being comatose, especially concerning the opposite sex.

Large swathes of people drink coffee because they are dead to the world without it. They need a wakeup call to a lot of things (one being that they think a coffee "date" is even a date to begin with) and coffee is like any other prescription drug given en masse to people all over the US because something in the culture has gone radically wrong.

I have nothing against drinking coffee. But it's NOT romantic. It's not for dates. It's not for sexy time.

It's for moving your bowels in the morning, tedious business meetings and to wake your ass up because you have somewhere to be.

Coffee has never been and will never be romantic. And it's fitting for millions of people who are not having sex or getting married in today's dating environment who are upset and outraged at people like me for saying a matter of factly that coffee isn't a date.

It Promotes Men Treating Women Like Shit

Coffee dates are the lowest possible effort for a man to get women to wander into his peripheral.

He doesn't have to plan a single thing. "Let's go have a shitty cup of coffee around the corner. Yay!"

"Maybe I'll pay, maybe I won't."

"Maybe I'll show up, maybe I won't. Who cares, it's just coffee."

"Maybe I'll ghost, maybe I won't. Coffee dorking around with women lets me be a jerk anytime I want to be a jerk."

"Maybe I will be a dick to her in public where she will be blindsided and won't do anything about it, maybe I won't."

Men count on coffee dates to try and get easy, free, low-effort sex too.

They believe that you meeting them for coffee and him paying for it translates to him getting you into bed.

They throw in a "stroll through the park" aka cheapskate loser scheme into the mix and he expects some poontang 1 mile in on a dirt trail behind a tree.

Only two kinds of men exist on this planet who take women on coffee dates:

1) They are cheap losers who will not spend a dime on a woman while expecting sex. And they get it too. Because legions of desperate dummy women will hand it right over to them therefore reinforcing men's collective laziness and low-effort.

2) He is a socially awkward incel type who has little to no experience with women and thinks a coffee dork outing will be out of this world.

They Are Unsexy and Stupid

I relish in being among the minority of people who get yelled at and shouted down when I rail against coffee losers and coffee loser (un)dates.

Dates used to be a lot of fun. I told a woman in Secret Girl Game Club last night who questioned my criticizing coffee "dates" that a really great first date can be any of the following:

Grab a burger.

Play pool.

Go bowling.

Go to the zoo. A petting zoo in particular is truly lovely and a wonderful time.

See a show. We used to see Cirque de Soleil in Las Vegas.

And last but not least, a comedy show is pure gold. Two people laughing together is romantic and promotes bonding.

Comedy shows can help you gauge your compatibility based on whether or not you have the same sense of humor (which is extremely important in selecting a long-term mate).

Does your date like the jokes the comedian is telling? Is he/she offended (lol soy)? Did you two like the same jokes and recounting them together at the end of the evening makes them want to see you again?

Can anyone come forward and tell me where in coffee "date" hell can you find any of these promising dynamics between two people? That would lead to real bonding where you can actually figure out if you're compatible with the person?

With a really good burger you can bond over the food (which is romantic).

Playing pool you can admire the other for their skill (which is romantic).

Going to a petting zoo, you can pet your favorite animals together and brush up against each other in an activity that is sweet and innocent (which is romantic).

And again, at a comedy show you can laugh together which is HUGE in stoking attraction (laughing is romantic).

All of the above lead to a feeling of bonding and therefore sexiness between two people.

A shitty cup of coffee never leads to bonding or sexiness.

No one raves about their shitty cup of coffee and how good it tastes. How it feels going down into the belly. How clever and intricate the packaging (cup) is. How fun it is to be at a coffee joint where you're dying to come back for a second date.

Feel free to burn me at the stake for deviating from being part of the corporate coffee zombie matrix that isn't fun, sexy or interesting in the slightest.

Coffee is a time suck. It's a waste. It's lazy. It's uninspiring. It's not romantic and never will be. And the people on these dates always walk away crestfallen and gravely disappointed shouting that they will be single forever.

They may be right. Coffee "dates" are keeping people single year after year all over the Western world.

That saying goes, "Making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity."

It's true that coffee dates are collective insanity dressed up in cultural adherence to a system that is broken and will never work otherwise coffee dates would end in marriage.

I challenge you to tally up all the coffee dates you've been on and tell me how they panned out. I know for certain they didn't and they ended in some ugly, heinous bullshit that made you never want to go on another date ever again.

Love,

Jenny

Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?

Write me: lovepilledjenny@gmail.com