I'm a 37-year old widower with two young kids, 7 and 4. My wife passed away in January of 2021. I was with my wife since we were 20.
I met someone a couple weeks ago, and it moved really fast. She is gorgeous and 28. We hooked up one night after meeting randomly through a mutual friend.
She was super in to me, we didn't have sex that night but we hung out til 5 in the morning. The next couple days texted a bunch. Throughout this whole time she is really gassing up my ego and making me feel great. The best I've felt in a really long time.
We met in her hometown, but she lives 2 hours from there and I was just visiting and I live about 6 hours from her.
I was on vacation waiting for a new job to start (lawyer). She invited me to come stay with her in Richmond, VA at her home.
I did just that. I stayed with her for 3 nights.
She's the first person other than my wife I've had sex with in 17 years. To say this whole series of events was a big deal to me is an understatement.
I leave on Friday. We text throughout the day and the next. Again, she's super into me. Gorgeous. Fun to be with. We talk about how we can see each other again.
Here is where I fuck up. On Sunday we are texting and she's lamenting about how far apart we are.
I decide to basically tell her I want a relationship and I don't care about distance. I tell her exactly how I feel.
She then does an about face, tells me she doesn't want a relationship and goes cold. We haven't texted since Sunday night.
My question is this:
Can I unfuck this situation? I thought being direct about commitment and my expectations was the way to go. I see that the game has changed since the last time I dated someone.
Also, I'm certainly more emotional than I usually am because of my loss and the fact that this is the first woman I've been with since my late wife.
She told me she had a great time with me but does not want a relationship. I said okay and left it at that. I did not try to change her mind. Texts have stopped since that exchange.
Can I get things back to where they were before I brought up relationship/commitment? How?
Man Who Wants Commitment
Dear Great Guy Who Wants Commitment,
I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your late wife. You are in a very vulnerable position emotionally and 3 days with a new woman created this perfect storm of fiery passion and the resulting tragic let down.
You committed one of the 7 deadly cardinal sins in the 21st century dating game–asking a woman for commitment.
I realize this is all topsy turvy, makes zero sense and a man should have every right to want to claim a woman for himself and offer commitment. Except nowadays, this is a "defect" on the man's part where he comes out looking like a fool every time.
According to today's dating standards, a woman has to ask for commitment from a man. That's set in stone. And the man has to be hard-nosed, aloof, wishy washy and unsure about the woman and the entirety of the relationship in order for the offer to seem more enticing and "doable" to the woman.
I repeat, gone are the days of a man being direct, straightforward and wanting commitment.
The reasons behind this are simple:
No one is any hurry to settle down with people who want to settle down–but they're ready (and eager) to settle down with people who don't want them.
No one values intimacy anymore, hence women (especially) hooking up and asking questions later.
And the few men who know how to play their cards right are using this to their utmost advantage.
There are no more straightforward "formalities" in which people court each other in seeking commitment–everything is up for grabs EXCEPT commitment.
And one thing that's sticking out like a sore thumb here is the fact that you want things to "go back to the way they were before you asked for commitment," meaning you're willing to let her lead the relationship, especially in a direction in which you don't want it to lead. And that poses a problem.
So here's what you do:
You ice her out completely. Ghost her. Let her keep trying to contact you and you continually refuse to speak to her until it drives her nuts and she starts stalking you and eventually wants to resume hooking up.
But you have to ask yourself, is that really what you want? A woman who doesn't really seem to like you all that much and doesn't think you're up to par when it comes to commitment? She doesn't want to call herself your woman, and you're willing to take whatever crumbs she might offer you now?
Look, I realize she's charming and gorgeous. Probably fantastic in bed to boot as well. She made you feel incredible ego-wise and she sounds like a succubus/seductress who knew exactly what she was doing. 3 glorious days in bed with her has you hooked–and blinded as to what it's going to take to "win" her back.
Let's say you let her back into your life, and you aren't willing to be a stone cold commitment-phobe who will string her along for years and keep things up in the air because she gets off on it–mark my words, you WILL lose her again.
People like this are masochists–and they only pay fealty to their sadist counterparts. Everything in life to them is a challenge and the hardship is the juice they want running through their veins. It's what turns them on–a man who is emotionally unavailable and treats her poorly in terms of a relationship remaining undefined indefinitely. That is what it's going to take to win her over.
If that's what you want, do exactly what I prescribed to you above.
If it isn't, I suggest you close this book and put it back up on the shelf where it belongs. Because this woman doesn't know what she wants–but one thing is certain, she doesn't want commitment.
She wants an uncommitted relationship from a man who doesn't want commitment. Can that man really be you?
Love and Many Blessings,
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