Dating today is akin to walking into a landmine. Expectations are higher than ever while many folks are underdelivering. And it can be discouraging to draw some ill-fated conclusions when someone loses interest despite "putting our best foot forward," or at least, what we insist is our very best when we can do so much more.
First things first, you have to drop the scarcity mentality and have a strategy.
Getting hooked on the first woman who shows interest in you is not a sound strategy.
Expecting people to give you all their time, attention and validation upon first meeting them is not a sound strategy.
And having a meltdown when someone you believe you like (you don't even know them yet so how can you like them) drops off and withdraws interest is not a sound strategy.
What a sound strategy is in 2021 is to go with the flow and to move with the current trends and use them to your advantage. You must also allow yourself to understand women's sentiments in the current dating climate and realize that if you do what millions of other (unsuccessful) men are doing, it's forever going to be a losing strategy.
Those first impressions are crucial. They will make or break any opportunity you may have to find success with women. There's a bit of an art to keeping a woman interested and I've written about it thus far in-depth, but there's so much more we can do to improve ourselves and our disposition to find success.
So let's take a look at what women are commonly running into trouble with in terms of the men they meet and interact with and what is driving them to quickly lose interest.
The Missing "Cool" Factor
"Cool" can mean many things to women and a lot of that cool stuff is just plain missing.
Many men are taking dating way too seriously and they're putting out strong signals pointing towards boredom in the woman's mind, along with redundancy.
They just sound boring in their texts. I read a lot of threads on r/tinder and r/bumble and a lot of guys seem to have no interest in having a cool conversation first to establish a rapport and build up that trustworthiness that keeps women interested.
You have to understand that women are keenly aware that every man they interact with WANTS something from her, and they're often very entitled and demanding.
Two texts and they want her to drop everything and meet for coffee.
One date and they want a committed relationship.
A few sparse one word texts and the guy wants sex.
These women just want to have a fun conversation with a cool guy, first and foremost, whom they can vibe with. A guy who they find they have something in common with. A guy who isn't PUSHING, pushing, and pushing some more to get coffees, relationships and sex.
Women feel pressure too. Like high value men, women don't like to be pressured to do anything by people they barely know. Take your foot off the gas and see if you vibe. And if you don't vibe, keep it moving and find other women to vibe with.
Part of being cool is knowing when to time things based off the other person's vibe–effectively creating an undercurrent of reassurance, comfort and trust that will get her to open up more and be interested.
If she doesn't feel secure in the vibe, she isn't going to trust you and remain interested.
Gosh, this is a very painful one indeed. And it's a huge problem.
And as a defense mechanism, women are sprouting magnum-feelers in sensing incel vibes in any guy they interact with. Women are intuitive enough as it is, they can easily sense a man's character flaws as well as his strengths.
But the incel vibe feeler now supersedes that of any other modality of intuition any woman has in the dating marketplace today. And once it gets ticked, these women run for the hills.
They will NEVER entertain any interaction with a man if they get any inkling of incel vibes from him.
So what is an incel vibe?
I'm sure you've seen the cringe screenshots I've posted on Instagram as of late, especially the one where the guy flips out on some poor girl because she didn't respond in 9 minutes.
NINE whole minutes and he starts running her through the ringer with, "F*ck women. You expect men do to everythingggg for you, you expect men to perform magic tricks for you blah blah blah!!!"
And apparently this is very common. So whatever you do, you MUST avoid this cringe ridiculousness at all costs.
Give her ample time to answer you while you in tandem, give yourself ample time to respond to her. And once you feel the vibe start picking up, then you can up the cool factor and make the conversation far more interesting.
Trust that you must allow the initial interaction, ideally for a week (zomg the HORROR, a week?!?!), to escalate into a vibe, a more stimulating conversation, then, perhaps you can make plans to meet up.
And if you feel like a week is way too long to interact with a woman via text/IM, you are very likely putting out incel vibes.
Take it easy, guys. Incels don't have any concept of taking it easy–they're uneasy at every turn. And they make every woman they interact with uneasy. And very soon, she's just gone.
Text Game - How Does Your Text Game Measure Up?
Had a nice young man of whom I interact with quite frequently post in the forum and he was a bit perturbed in getting left on delivered for a few hours.
He wanted some protocols on when to text and the designated space in-between texts. While there is some real merit to building anticipation via text through mirroring the other person's response times/the space between them, you must also pay close attention to the context and the vibe surrounding your texts.
Do your due diligence on why you got left on read/delivered. What did the interaction look like leading up to that event? Don't OVERTHINK it and think the worst (like so many people do) but instead take a step back and say, "What could I have done to make this conversation more interesting?"
What was the vibe like over the course of these text interactions? Was it strong? Was it weak?
Was she into it? Was I TOO into it? Was I showing too much anticipation and applying pressure?
I realize these are some agonizing questions to have to ask yourself when you're trying to get acquainted with someone romantically. Those initial jitters we're all plagued with when we meet someone new and want to make a good impression is very stressful and nerve-wracking.
But you must always give context to the conversation in addition to when and how to space out your texts.
And as far as spacing out texts, you don't need to follow some textbook codes to the letter to get the results you want. So long as you have some measure of spacing them out in place, you should be good to go.
Here's some general guidelines:
DON'T text people back in 5 minutes every single time all the time. Give 30 min, 60 min, 120 min, etc. You have a life. And having a life makes a person interesting.
DO allow yourself time to think about what you want to say. "Think before you speak" is an excellent strategy. Think of something cool to say and if it takes you 1-2 hrs, that's great. It builds into the anticipation and having that cool life she'll want to be a part of.
DON'T double text or triple text someone who hasn't responded to you, especially in kind. It's a huge no no.
DO allow them time to text you back while not overthinking it. Much of the time you're just in your feelings and all up in your head and all over the place. And surprise, pretty soon they're texting you back and things are up to speed again. Whew!
The general rule is, so long as you have some semblance of space in-between texts be it 20 minutes here, 2 hours there, 6 hours here, 5 minutes there, you won't screw things up.
Put both your timing and your delivery according to the context into practice.
I hope this gives you an idea of what women want from a man these days in order to sustain interest. Be cool, be a strategist, text appropriately according to timing and context and allow yourself to build a solid rapport with the women you want to date.
Happy texting. \m/
Love and Many Blessings,
Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?
Write me: firstname.lastname@example.org
P.S. I made an announcement today in the forum that I will be taking one day off a week at random from posting due to many new projects and client calls I've been juggling as of late so that I may get caught up things. Rest assured however, I will remain committed to posting consistently and regularly.
P.P.S If you haven't stopped by and joined our private relationship group on Reddit available only to clients and subscribers, please do so here.