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This week's piece for Evie discusses what I've been droning on about for months now in maintaining that attraction is absolutely crucial in a relationship if you want it to last.
My Instagram followers send me video clips each week featuring situationship gurus encouraging people (women especially) to forget all about sexual attraction and to give their beta orbiters a chance. Yes, you read that right. Throw the beta orbiter a pity bone and throw caution to the wind and "it'll all work out."
If partnering up with beta orbiters was a thing and worked far more often than it doesn't (and let's face it, it never works out like, ever), women would have no problem dating these guys and would wind up marrying them.
It's absolutely terrible advice. There's a reason people orbit and hover over others and aren't the first choice. And it's because people are NOT attracted to them.
Over 75% of the people who follow my work are under 30. There's absolutely zero reason in the world that, while being in the pinnacle of your youth and your sexual desirability, you should have to settle in a relationship with people you don't find attractive.
You MUST look for physical attraction and chemistry in a potential mate from the outset. Attraction is non-negotiable and it's not fleeting–it's not akin to a light switch you can just turn on and off.
For the ladies, attraction can build over time through getting to know a man through his personality, his sense of humor and his ability to communicate as a man. However, if you're not feeling some semblance of attraction in the first two dates max, you're likely never going to feel it.
For men, attraction does NOT build over time. Men aren't wired that way. Physical attraction makes or breaks a relationship with men and there's just no getting around it.
In the meantime, take a peek on over at my piece at Evie which explains why physical attraction is non-negotiable...
Today’s false dichotomy of “chemistry or compatibility” suggests people will have to choose between one or the other – couples are doomed to be stuck with someone they’re compatible with vs. someone they have chemistry with.
And worse, some of these so-called relationship experts suggest that people should give people they’re not attracted to a chance to prove chemistry can build over time: “Being attracted to your partner is important, but that isn’t the only thing that matters. You can have a slight attraction to someone and wind up developing amazing chemistry. You might want to spend some time doing fun things together and see if any sparks start to fly. They just might if you’re willing to let your guard down and give someone a chance.”
It’s misleading to imply that attraction just springs forth out of nowhere and to give people you’re not attracted to a chance to prove that attraction is flighty and subjective. We know within three seconds whether or not we’re physically attracted to a person. No doubt shared values and other facets of compatibility are important, but those aspects tend to be overlooked and undervalued when the attraction isn’t there.
We know within three seconds whether or not we’re physically attracted to a person.
Some are even touting the “benefits” of a platonic marriage: “Couples make a platonic commitment for different reasons. Maybe they’re disillusioned with romantic love and they’re ready to start a family with someone they love and trust, without the complications that sexual desire can bring.”
Sexual desire is said to be “complicated.” Meanwhile, being married to someone for whom you share no sexual attraction seems to be more straightforward and is the lesser issue and concern. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, does it?
To view the rest of the article, click on the link below:
Love and Many Blessings,
Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?
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