Curious on your take on my current situation. I used to be pretty simpy back in the day and in recent months/years have worked to fix that.
I used to be pretty fat and so often unconsciously I'd get sucked into the "fat kid mentality" even though I'm quite fit and fairly muscular now. I'm getting better and better at game as far as attracting women and have had some success, but mostly flops.
Lots of chats and flirts and plenty of signals but most die off, sometimes before I have even taken them out and others after first date. Classic flirting, tease a bit, pull back, little compliments, little touches on arm, etc. Fairly charming and they're often laughing but no success really moving anything forward with them.
Dating apps have been mostly a bust for me, but I'm fairly short (5'7) and that makes meeting girls in person a lot easier.
I like to think I'm fairly good at being honest with myself about what I'm doing and how/who I am, but gotta say I'm pretty stumped on this one. I'm 26, graduated, pretty social, reasonably good looking - freelance as a musician and health coach - admittedly don't make a lot of money at the moment but am on the way to it/building up business so that's not been a huge block for me psychologically.
No pity party and I will continue figuring it out, just trying to troubleshoot and problem solve so I can find a good (and pretty girl) and settle down. Not looking for any 10's, either, I'd be more than happy with a 7 on looks spectrum.
Anyway, not asking for you to solve the problem by any means as it's mine to solve, but any thoughts/advice you have would be welcome.
Former Simp and Now Stumped
I've read somewhere that men need to continue to put in the work until they find their stride with women. It will all eventually "click" where you'll understand women and your struggles will just up and disappear and you'll never look back.
I would advise you to go back and really pinpoint where things fell flat on your end in your interactions with women. I understand that's a deeply painful process to have to relive those crappy rejection events of your past and watch them play out and unfold yet again in rehashing them. But it's necessary in an effort to stop repeating the same patterns and mistakes.
And I can tell the simp is still alive and well in you. And you need to get rid of him asap once and for all.
Here's the real truth about what women want in a man:
They want an ultra-confident, fun guy who thrills them. A man who makes them feel like they're on drugs (flushed with dopamine and serotonin) and gives them tingles. They also want a man they can look up to who has his sh*t together on every possible level.
So with the simpy "fat kid" angst you still have bottled up within you, it continues to set you back without you even realizing it. You have to send him packing along with all his painful baggage that's held you back throughout your lifetime with women.
It's a process. It's growth. But I'll tell you that virtually ANY person, man or woman, who rises as a phoenix from the ashes and finds success with the opposite sex faces a turning point in their life where they have to thoroughly examine where they went wrong. And they must vow to never repeat the same mistakes ever again.
And this may be where you remain stuck.
For instance, maybe:
You're still the awkward, nice guy who doesn't inspire attraction with women.
You're not paying close enough attention to women's attraction aka indicators of interest towards you (or lack thereof) and you won't make a move and/or leave when necessary.
You don't have masculine boundaries in place that will help you be more authoritative and head strong and therefore more attractive to women.
You're stuck in loop of feeling bad about yourself and your prior circumstances and it keeps you from being daring and willing to take risks that pay off with women in the long run.
It's often the guy who's most willing to stick his neck out and be brazen and unapologetic with women who gets the best results.
Whatever the case may be, you must become accustomed to taking risks that you avoided in the past until you find your stride.
Approach the women you want to make connections with. Speak to them going with your gut and your male instincts. Pay close attention to how receptive they are to you and your advances–if she's showing sincere interest and wants you to step up your game and make a power move and you don't? Bye, son. Women don't wait around for a guy who's too afraid to shoot his shot.
And it's also crucially important to have boundaries in how you deal with women. The nice guy who just goes along with anything and everything for a crumb of p*ssy never seems to get any. But the guy who says, "This certain thing is/isn't going to work for me," when it comes to women and shows it through his actions is the man who gets what he wants.
Fortune favors the bold. This is especially true for men. There's no getting around the fact that you must get out of your nice guy safe zone and be a badass when it comes to dealing with women. For every mistake you've made, you must vow to never repeat it–and soon you will start getting results with women when you figure out what actually works while recognizing and accepting what doesn't.
Kiss the soft, nice, predictable guy goodbye once and for all and proceed to go against everything you've ever believed and ever been taught when it comes to women. The answers lie in there. And once you start getting concrete results, you will stick to that process and forget the rest.
But you will have to stick your neck out and take those risks and see them pay off. There's no getting around it.
Love and Many Blessings,
Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?
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