A couple of months ago I had a one night stand when meeting someone I had extreme chemistry with. The kind of chemistry that lasts for years in between.
I’ve since then (painfully) realized the error of my ways (I might have already known then too, to be honest, but didn't know better either). He obviously wasn’t really interested after that, and by pure dumb luck he has since become a sidekick to some people in my main and extended friend group, so I see him around enough to keep me somewhat hooked.
He and I decided not to tell anyone about the one night stand. Since then he has been disrespectful to me behind the scenes, but in person, we have this intense chemistry, and he wants to talk, banter, and be close to me.
When I distance and treat him badly, he goes crazy the next time he sees me (this all makes sense after reading your articles lol), but when I go back to being decent towards him, he starts treating me disrespectfully again.
Had this been some guy I was dating I would have 100% blocked him by now after all I’ve learned, but since he is going to be around, it feels really awkward whenever he is there to treat him badly in front of the others (who know me as this bubbly and warm person and don't understand why I'm acting like this), and I have difficulties getting out of these circles of frustration and hurt.
This back and forth of being an asshole but wanting to banter with me in person is driving me mad, and I don’t know how to turn this into the best situation for me. I do like him, but realize I shouldn't want him after this. What I want, if possible, is to win and end it without having to withdraw from my group.
After having had next to zero contact with him outside of when we run into each other within the group, I reached out to him, and I’m supposed to meet him and talk things out in a few days.
How can you help me with this?
ONS with a "Guy Who Has All the Power"
Goodness gracious this is a very tough spot to be in and you have my utmost sympathies. You'd be much better off getting a completely clean break from him without having to deal with him.
He's one of those alleged "avoidant attachment" guys aka a guy who is emotionally unavailable who probably has a severe problem committing to any one woman at this phase in his life–the "love 'em and leave 'em" phase. An all-you-can-eat buffet of women where he feeds himself nice and full and he leaves women feeling empty.
He's having a field day sleeping with various women and messing with them emotionally in addition to getting sex out of them. This is the standard theme among today's "new age player." All sex, emotions (mainly on her part), stonewalling, emotional trolling, and being extraordinarily difficult while letting lust overcome them and dictate their (very predictable) behavior.
Unfortunately, women tend to lose all power after they have casual sex with a man. It's not something you can mitigate nor take back because when women give up that part of themselves, there's nothing really left for these men to "conquer" (that's their entire thought process behind it).
However, he seems to want to conquer you emotionally. And he's being a grandiose dick about it and he's holding all the power. He knows exactly what to do to get under your skin and his method of choice is being a trolldick.
But you must understand your own power here should you decide to invoke it. He may be an asshole who likes to play push/pull games while you also regularly accomplish getting a massive rise out of him when you withdraw and refuse to play along.
Thus, that is what you'll have to do. Ignore him. He texts you, you ignore him. Refuse to negotiate your ill-disposition by "sitting down with him to talk it out" where he spoon-feeds you a bunch of bullshit. He's not there to talk, he's there to make you look dumb.
Also, don't, at any cost, let him f*ck you into losing ground. They're notorious for doing this as well. "I'll show her! If I can't get her to love me by being straightforward about it, I'm going to use my dick!" And unfortunately, these dynamics tend to make them want you that much more sexually as well.
You can also tell him that you see the game for exactly what it is. Tell him he's acting stupid (this always hits them where it hurts) and you get up and walk out. Be direct and sling it on him. They're often blindsided by "you're acting stupid as hell" and they fold.
Withdraw any and all attention and validation he's seeking from you completely (and yes, he is seeking it because he goes into overdrive and reacts on cue in being an angry, foot-stomping chimpanzee).
Also, when you know your friends are going to be around him, make an effort not to tag along as much as humanly possible. Arrange another time to spend with your friends when he's not there.
But again, when you do run into him, pretend he doesn't exist. And wait patiently and steadily for him to reach his boiling point where he's going to dance like a monkey (likely in front of all your friends and make a terrible scene), becoming agitated, flailing, sputtering about and acting ridiculous.
These power plays tend to exist in a void where two people who are in over their heads won't give away any power. However, guaranteed, one person will always cede power to the other. "Something's got to give," and I've found that the more reactive a person is, the more they are culpable in being the butthurt and injured party who cares far more than they're letting on. Far more.
You simply take his power away by not reacting at all. Stoic and immovable. People can't stand being ignored, dismissed and invalidated and it causes them to go crazy (like he's done on several occasions).
I'm sorry that this situation has been reduced to playing petty and childish games for the both of you because it sounds like a good connection otherwise. You both have the required hormones and chemistry to fall in love and deeply bond. Many a solid connection is based on these fiery chemical reactions minus the bullshit. And if you can deal with going to war with him for awhile and hold steady at all costs, you could win him over (probably won't want him anyway after the fact but still, it's a win for you).
Yes, there is the possibility that this could cause him to be more straightforward with you. It's been reduced to a war of wills at this point–who's willing to give up their power and admit they're in love (I definitely think he has deep feelings for you, he's just too afraid to show it because he can't trust his own tumultuous feelings).
This guy will never relent unless you give him a taste of his own medicine, and then some. These type of men only seem to respect women who can hold it down harder and better than they can.
Do what you know is right. You said yourself that he acts like a baboon when he doesn't get the rise out of you that he wants.
Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't negotiate anything on his terms. He doesn't deserve it until he himself proves he's willing to try and be present and give you the very best he has to offer (I wouldn't hold my breath). It could happen, but you will have to stand tall and strong in the face of him, play the long game, and make him tap out.
You got this win in the bag (if you even want it).
Love and Many Blessings,
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