Greetings everyone, I'm happy to say in my next post, I'll be wrapping up my series on "Why You Can't Find a Relationship" but first, I wanted to share this gem of a post I found on r/socialskills on Reddit.
As you all know, I spend a great deal of time on Instagram and on this site itself helping you to improve your social skills, and whenever I see any information on the interwebs of any value pertaining to this subject, I have to share it with you, expand on it and of course, offer you my additional perspective.
Social skills are king these days. And being honest about what you really want out of your relationships (which I will be talking about much further in-depth in the coming days) is just as important.
Last night on my Instagram stories, I had a discussion with a Gen-Zer about today's snafus in the dating marketplace and I came to the conclusion that many people are simply not willing to be honest about what they truly want from others when it comes to relationships.
I'm sorry folks, but if you hope to have any type of game and success in the dating arena, you will have to be much more honest with yourselves and the people you date about what you really want.
And the following post is a very honest exposé on why people may find you unlikable. And you'll notice that you've likely run into many people of whom you find unlikable because they also display the following behaviors and tendencies...
1. You make others feel intellectually or morally inferior
Do you try to outsmart or out-debate others? Do you need to be proven right?
Many socially awkward people are smart -- and that could be a problem. Some think they can use smartness to gain friends when the opposite will happen. Nobody likes feeling inferior or being wrong. You might do it thinking you're just being witty, comical or helpful. But others might not see it that way.
It's the same thing with you passing moral judgements.
Solution: Do not argue, debate or prove someone wrong. 99.99% of the time, there's nothing to gain by you mouthing off. Why tick someone off when there's no advantage?
I personally believe it's the opposite. Socially awkward people aren't as smart as they think they are. Because if they were, they wouldn't treat people the way they do just by virtue of understanding that it doesn't paint them in a favorable light. Whether it's their boss, a colleague or dating prospect, they lack self-awareness.
People don't like blowhards. They don't like being condescended to. They don't like being patronized as if they are children. Like he said, they don't like being made to feel inferior.
I see women doing this with men lately that "if they don't make 6 figures" they aren't worth a single second of their time.
Well, what if the guy makes a lot more than 6 figures and he's simply not disclosing that to you at this point because he wants to assess your character and intentions? What if he's laying out a gauntlet to see if you'll be one of these cookie-cutter uppity, entitled women on the dating scene who makes men feel inferior if they don't make 6 figures?
You'll be eating crow in no time while he's long gone.
You have to treat people like human beings and see if there's a connection. And that generally means being a lot less pretentious and uppity. Don't be a jerk. You never know what kind of connection you can actually make with people when you aren't a jerk.
2. You're working against someone's interest
There's no need to elaborate. If someone's going for a job promotion but you're blocking him, he'll dislike you. If someone likes a girl but you're pursuing her as well, he'll dislike you.
Solution: In this competitive world, we often need to step on other people's toes to get what we want. But don't do it just to spite someone when there's nothing real to gain.
I would classify this by example of a man or woman trying to dictate how the relationship is going to turn out long before there's even a relationship.
For instance, say someone tells you on the first date that they are dating others and you get jealous and angry with them before the steak dinner even arrives.
You are already working against their interests. You're not giving them the freedom and opportunity to choose you. Avoid making assumptions and imposing yourself and your will on others. And don't try and put your own self-interests above theirs. They will feel you are working against them and they will feel squeezed and pressured and they will lose interest.
Don't assume you're already in a relationship on the first date. You're not.
And you are working against their interests in not letting them decide on you of their own volition in getting to know you and seeing what unfolds over time.
3. Your tone conveys disrespect.
There's no need to elaborate here either. Some socially awkward people talk a whole lot of shit. You might think the other person deserves it -- but what do you get out of a confrontation?
Sometimes, persona A will purposely say something to person B just to anger person C (who can overhear).
Solution: Don't talk shit directly or indirectly. If you say something the other person seems to take offense or disagree, don't double down. Just STFU or say "I didn't mean any disrespect".
Ugh, this one is particularly bad. And it's endemic.
That's why I always advise against discussing hot button issues on the first date like politics, religion, how many people you've slept with, etc.
It conveys disrespect because when people tend to indulge in these conversations, they always have a very clear side they've taken along with an unyielding position from which they won't budge nor give an inch.
"Oh, you voted for Trump?!? WELL, I guess you're too stupid and ignorant to understand he's a hateful misogynist! How could you be so narrow-minded?"
These conversations always lead in this disastrous direction whether people intend them to or not.
Show people a modicum of respect and remain conscientious about your tone and how you speak to people. And as always, avoid controversial subjects and hot button issues.
4. Monopolizing the conversation or making it about you
This is narcissistic behavior. Here, you try to monopolize the conversation or put the focus on yourself, your interests or your desires. You're conveying a ME ME ME attitude which makes others feel unimportant, uninteresting or inferior.
If talking one-on-one, there's no reason you're speaking over 60% of the time. If in a group, there's no reason you're speaking noticeably more than others.
Solution: Don't keep talking about yourself. Ask others for input if you must. Even if the other person seems interested in what you say, often they're just being polite when they're bored and want to eject from the conversation.
This is a very big problem.
Look, I get it. In today's culture, everyone is a legend in their own mind. They think their sh*t don't stink and they think their lives are much more exciting and important than everyone else's thus they have "much better" stories to unload on everyone else.
This behavior is extremely unattractive. I shouldn't have to say that out loud but people have to be reminded that a great conversation and a wonderful connection itself is a two-way street.
People can't connect with others who can't even acknowledge the person sitting in front of them. Luckily, in my expert flirting courses, I show you exactly how to have great conversations with people that keep them engaged and get them hooked.
Get rid of the narcissism. There's a reason these people are often single and alone and can't find love. They simply don't know how to connect with others because people don't like them due to their behavior.
5. Refusing to initiate
Do you need others to approach you first?
If you don't initiate, you'll be perceived as conceited. You might think "but I'm just shy" -- but others don't know that. They can only judge you by your actions.
If you expect others to approach you first, you're sub-communicating "I'm superior so you need to come to me" even if that’s the opposite of how you feel.
A variation of this principle is, you initiate with others but somehow skip a certain person. This makes that person feel like an outcast which creates resentment.
Solution: Make a point to say hello or initiate conversation first. If you're in a group, don't be afraid to inject yourself into the conversation.
Guys, you have to initiate. As a man, your inherent role is to be the pursuer.
Should you pursue a woman who has made it clear she doesn't want you? Absolutely not.
BUT, when you are involved with a woman who has demonstrated clear interest in you, you have to initiate.
You have to make plans. You have to name the time and place. You have to win her over. And it's not because it's your "duty," it's because you know that you can't even feel attracted nor fall in love with a woman unless you initiate and pursue.
And ladies, you can certainly initiate here and there when you've gotten to know each other and you are on a much more serious level.
Like for example, he's at work and you want to send him a text with a simple "hi" and maybe send him a selfie. When he is already actively pursuing you, making plans and seeing you on a regular basis, he will very much enjoy and appreciate these "surprise" flirty texts from you that you initiate. He'll find it thrilling and provocative as well.
The very helpful gentleman goes on to wrap up his spiel with the following:
When I was younger, #1 and #5 was my problem.
One example involving #1 is, one time I was chatting with a bunch of coworkers over lunch. Someone said Sydney was the capital of Australia. I said no, it is Canberra. I even took out my phone and asked Google.
This is a mistake. There’s nothing to gain by me embarrassing him in front of others. The world won’t end if he missed the capital of Australia. And now, he thinks I'm a total dick.
Yes, d*ck move to be sure. Again, no one likes a blowhard who engages in one-upsmanship for sport at the expense of other people's feelings. It doesn't make you likable, it just makes you insufferable.
An example involving #5 is, I would be in a group of peers and often wonder why I’m being excluded from the conversation. I’d think “WTF why won’t anyone show compassion and include me when I’d gladly do it for others”.
Now, I realize it’s not up to others to include me. Nobody has that obligation as I’m not that important. It’s up to me to include me. And I found almost all the time, when I inject myself, I get actively included in the conversation going forth.
I too have done this most all my life. I remember being in group settings in college and I was always actively heading up the group and breaking the ice by volunteering my thoughts and engaging in conversation. People were warm and receptive to me (and began opening up more to each other as well) and I managed to make a lot of friends in this way too.
Being friendly, approachable, unassuming, unpretentious, and also being considerate of other people's feelings and moods will go a very long way. And trust that, in doing so, you'll be making all the friends and romantic connections you could ever bargain for.
Love and Many Blessings,
Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?
Write me: firstname.lastname@example.org