In following up with last night's post on messing with people's hormones to sustain lasting attraction, I wanted to highlight a prime example of why hooking up/casual sex and leading with dopamine is a fatal mix in any new relationship.
The following Reddit post features a who man is aggrieved and "stunned" as to why a beautiful woman with whom he'd had a whirlwind, dopamine-fueled hookup dumped him out of the blue after giving him a bunch of lip service on being "exclusive."
Let's get right to his story:
I'm f*ckin' done with dating. All of it. How can a person go from being so warm to ice cold at the snap of a finger? How can a woman aggressively push for a relationship and act vulnerable and intimate with me, then just stop? Last time I saw her I was trying to leave her apartment and she wouldn't let me and started ******* my **** and riding my **** like the world was going to end. When we finished she had this smitten look in her eyes and glowing smile as she hugged me goodbye. The next day she was still warm and intimate. Then 4 days later she dumps me and I haven't heard from her in a week.
I'm just so f*cking jaded at this point. I hate people. I'm just gonna be a cat person.
I'm getting wasted tonight.
Let's add a few more of his (key) comments to give you some more deets:
Let me put it this way. After we had sex the first time she started texting things like "I'm not your gf until you ask in person ☺" among other gf/bf type texts which she initiated.
Then we met up and had sex again. I still didn't ask her and she kept pushing for it.
Then the next time I saw her I asked her when I got to her apartment. We had sex 3 times without a condom this time. With her initiating 2 of those.
That was the last time I saw her.
She was actually mature beyond her years up until the total and complete 180. I was disappointed.
I'm tired of just sex. I want a relationship.
And last but not least...
That's the thing, I literally can't understand her position. How she can go from so warm, intimate, and vulnerable with me to ice cold and doesn't want to talk to me. I've never seen anyone do that. It's almost scary she can change like that.
I did tell her I wanted to be exclusive.
So let's start with the fact that a lot of guys are very vulnerable in this position without realizing it. She was so purtyyy, she lovebombed him, sexed him up, made him tap out for exclusivity and ditched him.
Sounds exactly like what Chads typically do to women in these situations doesn't it? [By the way, the sole reason Chad is so good at what he does in getting women whipped and alpha-widowed is because he stresses these women tf out from start to finish (more on that below) in every possible way in dealing with them.]
Well, I hate to break it to anyone reading this but since this is now a staple in societal standards concerning dopamine, casual sex and hooking up, women are apt and quite prone to doing this to men too–having sex like men and cutting out afterward because the relationship dies a dopamine death and they lose interest.
He definitely sounds like a desirable guy based on how he describes himself. "32, tall, and handsome" as he says it and has some semblance of game and decent social skills. Just goes to show that if a man like him can get dusted as easily as he can, it can surely happen to any one of you guys out there–and it WILL happen unless you implement another game strategy that isn't centered around dopamine fixes.
From here on out I want you to think of dopamine like a carnival ride. Like a rollercoaster. Sure, you like riding it. But what exactly does it do to alter your state of mind after you ride it? Next to nothing.
You more than had your fill of near barf-inducement and you are glad to not ride it until next year when the carnival's in town again. You go day-to-day afterward not giving it a second thought. Maybe you'll ride it again, maybe you won't. And in the meantime, you don't have any real lasting affinity nor affection for that rollercoaster ride. You merely think of it in passing with no lasting emotional upswings or downswings attached to it.
That's what dopamine does. It's entirely fleeting and does NOT create any type of lasting attraction towards anybody (whether the person you're with is incredibly hot or not).
He readily admitted he wanted a relationship and "he's done with hooking up." Yet, his entire approach with this woman was centered around dopamine, casual sex and hooking up. Meet on Bumble, go straight for sex and get dumped.
If you are looking for a serious relationship irrespective of any modality upon which you are meeting someone, whether it's an app or through buddies at work or what have you, you absolutely CANNOT put any weight towards the current structural dopamine laws of "find 'em, f*ck 'em, forget 'em and flee."
This guy, despite having adept social skills and an ample amount of game, did not run any game on this woman. Zilch. He went straight to bed, let a purty woman fill his head with empty bullshit, hung his heart on his sleeve and got swept up in mind-blowing dopamine-fueled sex and thought "it would all work itself out."
"This chick is totally into me. She sucked my disco stick, rode me like a wild donkey and insisted she wanted a relationship."
Sorry, but even the most seasoned player understands that's not how the game works and that's now how women think. I don't care if she's beautiful or not, you still have to run game and stress them tf out like you would any other woman or she's not going to stay.
Just because she's beautiful and dying to go to bed and her dopamine receptors are fried like yours and everyone else's doesn't mean she loves you and is ready for commitment.
Now, is this woman a certifiable nutcase? That could very well be possible, yes. However, regardless of the state of her mental condition (she was able to wear different hats in convincing him she's "mature" and ready for a relationship), he let his own dopamine fix guide him into her dopamine boobytrap (no pun intended).
So what kind of game should he have ran on her?
When she was pressing for sex on-demand, "Can't see you tonight. I'm swamped. Let's talk Monday."
When she was "asking for exclusivity" via text so soon, "Wait a sec. We don't really know each other. That's not happening for me yet. You're funny tho."
When demanding he ask her to be his girlfriend in person, "Huh? Where did that come from? You're moving too fast."
POW adrenaline and cortisol amped up to the nth degree. The dopamine fix is now neutralized and she's stressed out and rethinking her position.
If he dropped any one or all of the above lines on her and didn't let the dopamine-stick in his pants supersede his better judgment, it would have stoked major lasting attraction in her.
Her cortisol and adrenaline aka her stress hormones would have kicked in on cue and she would have went nuts asking, "Why oh WHYY?? I am HAWT and this man should be in love with me and want to f*ck me right now, dammit!" all weekend.
To add insult to injury, he was thirsty (in addition to his dopamine fiendishness) and she knew it. That also added to the mix. He immediately wanted a relationship with a woman he barely met (no Chad on earth agrees to any of that mess, so you'd do best to take a page out of Mr. Chad's handbook).
Yeah, yeah, I know. You're not supposed to turn down sex with any woman. Especially a beautiful woman. You're supposed to jump in bed and assume you don't have to run any game. You got this one in the bag!
Well guess what? You think these beautiful women can't go out and get the same disco stick dance from any other thirsty man on the street tomorrow? Quit thinking like a bottom-feeder and start thinking like Chad. Quit scavenging for sex thinking that's going to make women love you. It won't.
In conclusion, I would strongly advise all of you reading this to not even approach any potential relationship like a casual sex dopamine fix. People are going to dust you in today's dating climate because of it regardless of your intentions.
You still have to game them, stress them the hell out and get their hormones all messed up and jumbled together to make them care about you. The game was always like that and will always be like that, and tight game will always be a requirement. Them's the rules so follow them or don't at your own peril.
Love and Many Blessings,
Questions or comments on this column? Have an advice question you'd like answered?
Write me: firstname.lastname@example.org